I’ve been silent these past months, not by choice but because grief, depression, and crippling anxiety attacks have rendered me immobile. I have felt stationary – unable to muster basic interest in most things besides sleeping, reading, and endlessly scrolling through social media feeds. I’ve still pushed myself everyday; I’ve still gotten out of bed and gone to work, but that in and of itself has caused anxiety as I question my ability to do my job, my career choices, and my prospects for the future.
I thought that the seventh month after my father’s death was the hardest, as the eighth month got better. Then the ninth month hit and the undertow of sadness and misery pulled me down, down, down until I was caught, swimming in impenetrable darkness.
I decided that enough was enough about three weeks ago and I sought help. Since then, I’ve been clawing my way toward that distant sunlight that I know is there, yet have been unable to feel.
The rays are touching me now. Faintly, of course, but I’m beginning to feel it. My limbs are thawing. My brain is clearing up. I don’t yet feel hope or optimism, but the cold shackles around my heart feel as though they’re at least loosening, if not preparing to fall away soon.
I have so much to look forward to (which I will post about soon) with the upcoming camping season and what we’ve chosen to do in that respect. My muse is awake and formulating a novel idea that I’m eager to start getting down on paper. Life is restarting. Slowly. But it’s there.
Yet the grief continues. July 21st will mark the first anniversary of Dad’s passing. I will mark it with a yahrzeit candle and a river of tears. I hope, though, that I can continue to move in a positive direction, as this darkness and misery isn’t something I wish for anyone, let alone for myself.
3 thoughts on “A note on my absence”
I’m sorry you are going thru depression and anxiety. Unbeknownst to me at the time, my ex was going thru it and my current girlfriend has it. It’s very hard on everyone close to you as well. I put my faith and trust in Jesus, because that is what He wants us to do and it helps me. For the victims, medications help, also. As a big fan of old radio and podcasts it helps to escape. I close my eyes and listen and learn from people like Ray Comfort, Todd Friel, Kevin Swanson, James MacDonald, Ravi Zecharias (sp). I don’t expect my unprofessional advise will help. I will be praying for you. God bless, Bob
Thank you for commenting! Support and knowing others are going through these same types of feelings always helps to make me realize that I’m not alone. I’ve found myself getting lost in old radio as a means of escape. “Fibber McGee and Molly” will always be my go-to, but Jack Benny, Burns and Allen, and others really help me escape, too. Plus I’m currently listening to the D-Day broadcasts as I do a few times a year. It takes days to get through, but it’s worth it. It always reminds me that things could be much, much worse!
Rachel — May you soon be embraced fully by the Light that feels distant, so that hope and optimism will again be yours!! with prayers for healing, jen